


i found heaven (and held it tight)

by irish_gold



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 19:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irish_gold/pseuds/irish_gold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For him yesterday and today are the same, all the same. He wakes up and all he sees are blank walls, he goes to bed and all he dreams of are dark halls. Every day is the same as yesterday. Until it’s not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i found heaven (and held it tight)

**Author's Note:**

> all grammar and spelling mistakes are my own. this is a multi-chapter story. feedback is much appreciated. x
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, MENTIONS OF BULIMIA AND ANOREXIA. ABUSE (PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY) You have been warned, read at your own risk.*

 

  
_**TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, MENTIONS OF BULIMIA AND ANOREXIA. ABUSE (PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY) You have been warned, read at your own risk.** _ __

__

He was always told to never be sad; that he had no reason to cry or frown from unhappy thoughts or actions that saddened him, because, he had a perfect life. A life that seemed to fortunate and so rare, a family so close that loved each other, a home that always smelled of pastries and flowers. His life seemed so perfect that he was told not to feel sad or angry.

At a young age he was taught that other people were suffering and that he was blessed with a life of no struggles or imperfections, so he should not cry. His mother would scold him when he’d cry because Greg would change the channel she’d say, “You’ve watched enough Niall, stop crying. Do you know how many other kids in the world have no telle? Have no video games or anything to entertain them? Stop crying and be grateful you were blessed with all this.” She’d gestured to the room around her.

His dad would scold him when he’d play with his food because  _so many other kids are dying because they don’t have anything to eat, Niall. Be grateful for the food on your plate,_ and he’d be forced to eat every single piece of food on his plate (even the crumbs) 

That’s what he had been taught. To never cry or be angry, to never take all of what he had for granted because  _other people don’t have what you have Niall,_ to never be ungrateful. 

"I’m sorry da; I promise I won’t play with my food again. I know how many kids are starving and I’m not one of them." He’d say back to his father when he was scolded. His father would nod his head and look at him with content eyes because  _yes son, you have everything anyone could ask for and you should be grateful for it._

Crying was something Niall was not allowed to do because  _you have a life full of privileges, my son, and no reason to mourn or cry._

_\- — -_

_But for some reason Niall couldn’t help but_ _be sad_ _because everything Niall did was never good enough for his parents. He’d always do something wrong that would cause his parents to be upset with him they’d say to him, “You have so much Niall, why is it that you take everything for granted? Why can’t you just be happy? Do you know how many kids would kill for your life, whilst you are here being all lazy and never doing the best that you can be.”_

_And he’d respond with the answer his parents wanted to hear from him, “Yes da. Yes mam. I’ll try to be better than I was before. I know I have no reason to take what I have for granted. I promise I won’t disappoint you again.”_

_-_ _\-- -_

So every day when Niall awoke he’d tell himself that  _today is the day I won’t feel sad. I won’t be sad for anything because I have everything I could ever ask for,_ he’d chant that same thought to himself whilst he showered and got ready for school. He’d repeat the thought under his breath as he walked through the windy morning, off to another day at school.

And every day after those long hours of repeating the same thought to himself he’d hope that it was true and he’d never feel sad.

In the end he would realise that what he hoped for was not what he got, because when the sun went down and the moon lit the pavement there was still a feeling of unsatisfactory pounding at his chest.

Yet he’d repeat the same mantra every day, because, maybe  _today will be the day that I won’t be sad._

_\- — -_

Niall doesn’t know when years of holding back tears and thoughts of anger amounted to him no longer  _feeling._ He doesn’t know why all those times he had to bite his lip to keep from letting out a sob amounted to no longer feeling the need to cry. Or when his mam would say “Niall that better not be tears of sadness in your eyes because I don’t recall you having to suffer from starvation or lack of shelter.” amounted to no longer feeling bad.

Years of hearing the same thing repeated and repeated from different lips every day, _stop crying Niall you’ve no reason to be sad. Oh hush Niall you have everything anyone could ever want. Are you starving Niall? Are you living on the streets? No, so stop feeling sorry for yourself,_  caused him to no longer feel  _anything._

He doesn’t understand what had gone wrong. 

Why he could no longer feel joy when his father would come home from a long day of work, or no longer feel that rush of excitement when Greg and he would sneak out to play a game of football at night. Why could he no longer feel that happiness when his mam would put a plate full of food down in front of him? What had happened to that happiness he had once felt? 

Why would he no longer feel a surge of content and calmness when he awoke in the morning to the stream of sunlight and the cold blow of the wind?

Why was his ability to feel no longer  _there?_

 

\- — -


End file.
